Who Is Desiree Spierings? The Relationship Therapist Behind Relationship Wellness

Who is Desiree Spierings?

Desiree Spierings is the therapist behind Relationship Wellness, which she describes as a place to get “knowledge, understanding and practical tips” for better relationships and better intimacy. Her signature line, repeated on her site and in her videos, is a quiet warning to well-meaning partners: “Just because you love your partner, does not mean they FEEL LOVED by you.”

Her credentials are unusually deep for a social media therapist. According to her biography, she holds a BA in psychology and a postgraduate diploma in psychology from Macquarie University, where her research focused on rejection, and a Master of Health Sciences in Sexual Health from the University of Sydney. She was an Honorary Associate Lecturer in the University of Sydney’s Graduate Program in Sexual Health. She speaks at conferences and runs education sessions for health professionals, schools and businesses.

She signs off almost every post the same way: “Keep loving yourself and others.”

From the Netherlands to Australian TV

Spierings was born in the Netherlands and moved to Australia more than 25 years ago. She says the move shaped her work. Seeing how differently cultures approach relationships and intimacy convinced her “that there is no ‘normal’ and that normality is defined by individuals depending on their culture, religion, personality, upbringing, language, sex, sexuality and creativity.” Those differences, she says, keep her interested in her work “since I meet different kinds of ‘normal’ daily.”

She co-hosted the ABC1 series Making Couples Happy, and she now appears regularly on TV, radio, podcasts and live streams as an expert on relationships and sex.

She practises what she teaches at home too. She describes herself as happily married to a fellow Dutchman, with four children, three boys and a girl.

“Put the magnifying glass down. Pick up the mirror.”

Desiree Spierings, @relationship.wellness

What does Desiree Spierings teach couples?

Her most-watched video, with more than 107,000 views, is about the list couples bring to their first session. “Each partner brings in something that I refer to as the s-list,” she says, a list of everything wrong with the other person, “and they are really hoping that I will have a magic wand.” She doesn’t. The first thing she does with every client is turn the focus around. “They have to start putting the magnifying glass on themselves. Where did I go wrong? What changes should I make?” You have no control over whether your partner changes, she says. “What you do have control over is your own behavior and your own actions.”

It’s the same principle leaders hear about teams, and it echoes our earlier pieces on building emotional connection with a partner and having better conversations with your spouse about money.

The pursuer-distancer cycle

In a video with nearly 109,000 views, Spierings explains a pattern she calls “a very common reason for divorce and break-up.” Under stress, the pursuer moves toward their partner, looking for conversation, connection and “a sense of reassurance that their relationship is still okay.” The distancer wants space, to work through things privately. “The more the pursuer pursues, the more the distancer distances.” Every relationship has some of this, she says. It only turns toxic when it becomes entrenched, and research suggests people who had the pattern before tend to repeat it. In the caption, she admits she’s the pursuer.

Clear and kind love requests

“Very often people ask for love and attention from their partner in the most unloving ways,” she says. She sees partners get angry, go silent or use payback tactics when they don’t get what they want. Her fix is to send “clear and kind love requests.” Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. If your birthday is coming up and you want a certain present, say so. “This will be a win-win solution.”

The six-second kiss

Citing research from Dr. John Gottman, she recommends a daily six-second kiss, which Gottman calls “a kiss with potential.” Anything shorter “is nothing different to just a peck on the cheek,” she says. Six seconds is long enough for oxytocin, the bonding hormone, to kick in, helping you feel closer and calmer. And she says most couples she sees aren’t doing it.

Four or five marriages to the same person

On her wedding anniversary, Spierings shared an idea she uses with long-term couples: one marriage is really four or five. There’s the fun, free marriage before children, the marriage of new parents, the marriage with teenagers, the marriage after the children leave (“Will I still like you?”), and the marriage of old age, when partners become each other’s carers. Each stage, she says, means getting to know your partner again.

She also tells followers to guard their “energy bottle.” Decide each morning who gets your energy, and “don’t let others put straws in your bottle whenever they please.”

Relationship Wellness courses

Spierings turned two decades of sessions into an online program. The Better at Relationships masterclass is a five-module, 21-video-session course. Its modules are Better at Staying Connected, Better at Being a Team, Better at Communication, Better at Dealing with Pain and Hurt, and Better at Intimacy. The site says each chapter includes a workbook, all videos have subtitles and transcripts, and there is a seven-day refund policy. “It is like sitting across from Desiree and going through the sessions,” it says. The site also offers free articles on connection, communication, conflict, trust, infidelity and intimacy.

For another take on building connection, see how the ASK Game moves people beyond surface conversations.

Desiree Spierings’ socials and contact

• TikTok: @relationship.wellness
• Instagram: @relationship.wellness
• YouTube: Relationship Wellness
• Facebook: Relationship Wellness
• Website and courses: relationshipwellness.com
• Email: desiree@relationshipwellness.com

@relationship.wellness What if the work isn’t about fixing them, but about showing up differently yourself?

More in our Who Is series: Who Is Natalie Dragt?, the 23-year-old teaching women to get paid for content, and Who Is Jessie Hackett?, the agency growth lead teaching founders paid ads. Also see Lissa Figgins on deciding what deserves your yes and our Communication section.

Also in the series: Who Is Evidence Based Kate? The Chicago educator demystifying education research on TikTok.

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