How To Have Better Conversations With Your Spouse About Money

Money is something we all have to deal with nearly every day of our lives. So naturally, being able to talk about money with your spouse is crucial for building a strong, healthy relationship. Of course, merging finances with another person can be difficult.

Mainly because money is extremely emotional. We each have our own experiences with money which have shaped whatever money behaviors we have. On top of that, we’ve all made our share of money mistakes. And it can be difficult to shine a light on our past and let someone else see our flaws.

However, making an effort to communicate openly with your spouse about money is a huge first step. It can lead to creating an atmosphere of trust and respect in your finances and your relationship.

So, whether you’re engaged, married, or have a significant other, here are some ways you can start creating better money conversations.

Start Slowly

Constant disagreements over financial decisions not only create tension, but the strain can become so overwhelming that the relationship eventually snaps.

And sadly, money is often cited as the #1 reason many couples land in divorce court. 

A great way to approach the money topic without causing an argument is to start by:

• Making a date with your spouse specifically for the purpose of money talk
• Set aside one dedicated night, or more, each month where you both can be fully present with no distractions 
• Agree to have a calm, respectful discussion, not an argument, about your finances

A good rule of thumb is to start with the easy stuff first. For example, during the first meeting, you can both share your long and short-term financial goals. And see the areas where they align or differ.

Once you’re both feeling more comfortable talking about money, you can begin to ease your way into more sensitive subjects like assets, debts, and credit histories.

Agree To Disagree

As I mentioned earlier, we all have our own experiences and ideas about money. And yours could be completely different from your spouse’s. 

However, you have to both agree that it’s okay to express differences of opinion. 

For instance, your spouse may feel strongly that your family needs a vacation this year, but you feel strongly that the money should go into savings.

Obviously, someone is not going to get their way. And the good news is –that’s okay! The important thing is that the more you communicate about your differences, the better you’ll begin to understand one another’s financial mindset.

Now, that doesn’t mean that you have to agree all the time with every decision your spouse makes. 

But you both should agree to take the time to listen, discuss, and assess the pros and cons, then make a decision together that aligns with your combined goals.

Steer Clear Of Criticizing

When you’re upset about finances, it can be easy to take your frustration out on your spouse and blame them for the current money problems.

For instance, does this sound familiar…” if it wasn’t for your student loans, we’d have more money,” or “we can’t get out of debt because it’s all your fault?”

Words are powerful weapons! 

And when your spouse feels attacked, they will retreat as an act of avoidance. Or, their self-defense mechanism will kick in, and they’ll also go on the attack.

Either way, the possibility of having a productive money conversation is now essentially out the window.

A better alternative is to take a step back and give yourself time to calm down. Then, notify your spouse that you’d like to get together and talk. Then, make every effort to address the topic as a solvable concern rather than as a fiery accusation. 

Be Transparent

Raise your hand if you’ve ever bought something that you kept hidden from your spouse. Well, if you happen to be that person who’s guilty of doing this, don’t worry because you are not alone!

I mean, what wife hasn’t hidden a new pair of shoes, or what husband hasn’t hidden some new electric gadget?

In fact, a study shows that over 66% of women and nearly 75% of men report that they have made purchases without telling their spouses.

However, buying a $50 pair of shoes or a $100 power drill is a whole different animal than hiding $15K in credit card debt or the fact that you haven’t paid your car note for two months. 

Perhaps you hide debt because of feelings of guilt or shame. But, in order to build a healthy relationship, it’s better to come clean sooner rather than later. Because the reality is that…

“Deception actually does more harm to your relationship than the debt alone ever could.” 

The Bottom line

Money is an emotional trigger for so many relationships. 

And coming together with your spouse about money can be extremely difficult at times.

However, now you have the opportunity to begin having better money with your spouse by:

• Starting slowly
• Agreeing to disagree
• Steering clear of criticizing
• Being transparent

And taking those few simple steps can not only improve your finances but also build a relationship of trust and respect between you and your spouse.