3 Beliefs That Can Wreak Havoc In Lives Of High-achieving Women In Leadership

Redefining self-esteem, self-worth, and self-love, and the positive impact this has on relationships 

As so many women in leadership do, I have always been proud of my strength, perseverance, and determination. 

Be it in sports (as a former elite basketball player with an international career), in an academic setting (as the first one in my family to graduate college and receive MBA degree, both in my non-native language), or professional setting – I can easily identify with high-achievers. And attribute the success to the above-mentioned characteristics.

Some may even be genetic – afterall, I hail from a lineage of fierce and independent women who lived ahead of their times. (Yes, some were punished, raped, even killed for it.)

But as much as this legacy has been a blessing and an honor… It has also nearly cost me a marriage.

So today I want to share with you three crucial lessons I had learned that not only helped save my marriage, but also deepened the relationship I have with my husband.

Now, I am not a psychiatrist or marriage counsel, but I have been in the arena of highly driven women who stop at nothing and sacrifice everything to achieve their goals and dreams literally since I started to travel around Europe to compete at various tournaments, at the ripe age of 12 years old! 

That’s 25+ years of experience and observation! And notice how the same principles that apply on the court also apply in the boardroom and the bedroom…at cost. Because of how those principles have been defined and modeled. 

So, without further due, here is what I have learned:

1.) Self-esteem as a comparison game

My husband and I met when I was at the height of my basketball career. In addition, I was also pursuing an MBA degree.

By the time I graduated, I was already dreaming of that corner office by Central Park and believing wholeheartedly that transitioning into a professional career would be a breeze. 

“I’ll get you a Beemer!” I promised him!

Then, everything came to a stall.

Suddenly a part of the real world and no longer in the bubble of being a student-athlete, I was now an over-educated and under-experienced foreigner at the height of the recession.

From one month to another – each filled with more job applications, radio silence, and occasional rejection – my self-esteem took a massive hit

If I once saw myself as an equal to my husband, I now felt like a burden. I did not know how to handle rejection and having too much time on my hands but no money of my own in my hands.

I started to feel ashamed, I was letting him down. 

It wasn’t until I let go of all the attachments and decided to show up for an interview as me (and not as someone I thought I needed to be), that I was offered an amazing job on the spot. 

This is so common when we build our self-esteem by comparing ourselves to others. On our place in society. On our titles, positions, associations. 

What’s more, I have noticed how the clients whom I worked with as a consultant and coach, shared this experience, too. They would tell me how trapped they felt! How they felt like they were losing their own voice. And how they were giving up their right to have a say in making decisions.  

As much as I would love to say that there is a quick fix to that – and it might sound easy – the solution is anything but. Working on ourselves, on our mindset and on our energy, is the hardest, the most difficult work!

Because reprogramming our mind takes time, dedication, and persistence. It is uncomfortable and scary. And most importantly, the right support because we cannot see our own blind spots. But that’s what needs to happen.

2.) Self-worth as a money game

By now, our second baby was born. I was powering through days of snuggling the newborn, caring for a toddler, and growing my own business! Managing my team, and planning to retire my husband. Because that’s what successful mom-preneurs do, right? It’s the ultimate measure of success? Or at least that’s what I was told. 

Anyhow, something else happened instead – life had different plans once again.

Postpartum depression and severe burnout were no joke.

I still operated in the paradigm that my worth was measured in numbers; may it be on a scoreboard, report cards, scale, or zeros in my bank account.

So when I had to slow down to take care of my own health (which also led to complete reconstruction, repositioning, and eventually a massive upgrade of my business), my business revenues plummeted.

And with that, my sense of self-worth.

Caught in a myopic vision of what being strong and independent was supposed to mean, I was completely unaware of the dissonance between what I was yearning for (love and support) and what I was receiving (love and support).

See, every time my husband offered to help, and when he took care of the bills (that I didn’t contribute 50% of “my” money to), it felt like a knife twisting in a wound… A wound I didn’t even know was there. 

Anything I was asking for, I was given. I was unable to see it, much less to actually receive it!

Ultimately, all this tension turned our bedroom into an ice-chamber, too. Missing intimacy and sexual connection greatly, I distracted myself with choices that fueled even more weight gain. And now just a shadow of myself, I lost this fire in the business. So the cycle continued – but you could never tell through the smile on my face.

Do you ever feel blinded by this narrative, by the undefined definition of how being a strong and independent woman actually gets to look like – for you?

And are you unavailable to ask for, much less receive support? If nothing else – it takes you 5 seconds to do it and you are the one who keeps a list of all the to-dos in your mind anyway. 

Again, this is very common. And, deadly – way too many women have succumbed to this pressure!

When your knees are buckling under the weight of making all the goodies for a school bake-sale from scratch and having to show up for every soccer match – when you know neither is good for you, please just say no.

When you are running a powerful enterprise and making million-dollar decisions but feel like an empty shell of yourself even though you are trying to hide behind a cheery smile, please take a break.

And, ask for help – give yourself permission to receive it. Again, it sounds simple and easy, but it will require work and time that you must be willing to give to yourself. 

3.) Self-love as a boundaries game

Over the years, I’ve been told numerous times that partnership is a 50-50 thing. And ever since I can remember, I was also told that being a good mom, a good wife means to give ourselves away endlessly, to sacrifice ourselves, our needs and our dreams for others (our spouses and our kids). Indeed, these two just don’t add up, have you noticed that too?

I have come to realize it’s actually a 100-100 thing. And that there is I in “team” after all, because a team is like a chain, and the chain is only as strong as its weakest link.

So if we don’t take the radical responsibility for ourselves, our well-being, and our excellence, how could we possibly take care of others?

So, how can we take care of ourselves, where do we start?

Boundaries.

For a woman to establish and uphold our boundaries, it has long been considered as selfish. Renegotiating them as a betrayal. Removing ourselves from a draining, toxic environment and conversations as… oh, don’t even get me started on the amount of guilt, shame, and judgement that comes with this one…

Being a woman in leadership, it requires a lot: energy and capacity to hold the big vision, to handle all the responsibilities, to move all of the pieces.

And so we are our own glass ceilings, our own obstacles.

Also, we can become our own ticket out and beyond.

Sometimes all one needs is a strategic plan. Most often, it’s something much more…

Personal growth, mindset mastery, and energetic healing can not only help release limiting patterns, heal the wounds, and reprogram our subconscious beliefs; it’s how we get to heal our lineage. To chart a new course for the generations to come. 

When we are in a committed, intimate relationship, doing so helps us get out of our partner’’s space so that they could be all who they are, too. Wellcome, harmony!

As for me, learning these lessons made me stronger in my softness, sharper in my openness to receive more. And a much better leader.